Sunday, August 26, 2007

The Beach

The Besant Nagar beach at Chennai is a walker's dream come true! The brilliant stretch of sand scattered with people and trash is a visual experience for some and an eye sore for most... Our opinions were just about even...

P.C, Ann, Reema, Maria and Myself took a mad bus ride to the beach.... The bus started out empty but just when we thought all was well, a SEA of people burst in from seemingly nowhere and the bus was sagging under the weight of the idiotic bums who were hanging out of the door despite the conductor's repeated warnings.... We finally reached the besant nagar bus stop and walked to the beach.... A smell of warm idlis and hot sambar reached our noses.. We, however, were on a very tight budget... so...... we just walked past! *sighs*

The beach, spelt B-E-A-C-H, is a vast expanse of sand that is bordered by water enough to fill a sea... Quite often, the water is filled with an equal capacity of human urine... So if you happen to visit the beach, do be careful not to drink or accidentally swallow any water.... :)

The sights of the beach range from hawkers selling everything under the sun from bajjis to balloons, a crowd of kids kicking around a football like there's no tomorrow, LOTS of couples cuddling into each other, Ice cream vendors and an occasional foreigner who's come to "take in the sights" of the beach, but invariably ends up drawing a lot of attention from curious locals!

We walked right upto the shore and found people in the water, fully clothed.... (Wearing a bikini anywhere in India (except Goa!) attracts a lot of unwanted looks) A bunch of young men in their underwear were having a blast in the water, splashing water on each other, jumping into the foot deep water but coming out seemingly unscathed and going back for more... They pose for photographs while the girls in the group snigger..... Ann, to her dismay, found that she lost her purse on the bus and P.C, my misfortunate friend, sat on a dead octopus/fish/sea animal... We never found out because it was squashed beyond recognition....

We decided to go to this place called "Pupil"... Apparently, they served very good french fries and mayonaise... How Innovative... We go plonk ourselves at a table and ordered a bowl of french fries and five lime juices.. I mentioned that we were on a VERY tight budget... ;)

As we wait for the food to arrive, we test the limits of our insanity... Ann tried to lick her elbows and succeeded at it, proving that she was not human.. Maria used her "burp voice" to great effect to keep people away from us! We engage ourselves in a burp-off and I win! Our food arrived.. Although it wasn't GREAT, it was palatable and we were hungry... So we didnt bother!

We finally decide to leave and take the LONG walk back to the bus terminus... On the way, the girls find vendors selling beads amd earrings... Girls, being girls, spent a lot of unnecessary time there while P.C and myself were left to fend for ourselves! We got into a bus and waited for the driver... Maria and myself sat together, and me, being the show-off that I am, show her my works of art and she was impressed to say the least. We discussed religion! I've never dreamt of doing that!! I finally reached my spot and we bid our goodbyes.. P.C and myself took one of those maniacal contraptions they call share-autos.... Frighteningly rickety and fast, we zipped around town to get back home...

At home, food... Ah..... :-D

I shall post better stuff later... I was bored....

Until then, Peace!

Saturday, August 25, 2007


Ever pulled someone's finger and heard a weird noise come out of his or her posterior?

Ever sat in a tub of water and seen bubbles come out of your bum?

This strange noise and vibrating sensation that came from your butt is most likely caused by a fart.

A fart is a combination of gases (nitrogen, carbon dioxide, oxygen, methane, and hydrogen sulfide) that travels from a person's stomach to their anus. When a person swallows too much air or eats foods that the human digestive system cannot digest easily gas becomes trapped in his/her stomach. The only way for this excess gas to exit the body is through the anus.The gas that makes your farts stink is the hydrogen sulfide gas. This gas contains sulfur which causes farts to have a smelly odor. The more sulfur rich your diet, the more your farts will stink. Some foods that cause really smelly farts include: beans, cabbage, cheese, soda, and eggs.

A scientific name for a fart is flatus or flatulence.The word fart is just one of many different terms used to describe the release of gasses from the human body. Other popular names for farts or farting include: gassers, stinkers, air biscuits, bombers, barking spiders, rotten eggs, and wet ones. You can pass gas, break wind, blast, beef, poof, rip one, let one fly, step on a duck, and cut the cheese.

Farts can be stinky, wet, loud, or silent but deadly. Pee-eeew!!!

I came up with a classification of various types of farts! Read on my fellow fartners!

The Alarm Fart - This is a good fart for the beginner. It is easy to identify. It starts with a loud unnaturally high note, wavers like a siren, and ends with a quick downward note that stops before you expect it to. It sounds like something is wrong. If it happens to you, you will know right off why it is called the Alarm Fart. You will be alarmed. The alarm fart however is rare.

The Bullet Fart - Its single and most pronounced diagnostic characteristic is its sound. It sounds like a rifle shot. The farter can be said to have snapped it off. It can startle spectators and farter alike. Fairly common following the eating of the more common fart foods, such as beans.

The Silent fart - This type hardly makes any kind of noise. If you listen intently you will hear an almost audible sound like a gentle summer breeze through a cave .Very useful in crowded and quiet places. e.g. packed elevators , classrooms etc.

The Elaborated Fart - This is a grandfather special, like Duracell, goes on ... and on ... and on and then when you are sure you've heard enough, there comes the loud bang!!!... oh, P.S. its a smelly one!!!!

The Held-For-Too-Long Fart - This happens when you are in a situation when you can't really fart and you have to. The mind loses control over the muscles(after 2 hours of holding back) which by now are numb and then ....they all stare!!!

The Ripper - Once this is out..You have to feel if ur pants are still in one piece....

The Supersonic Fart - When the area inside the stomach is subjected to compression, the phenomenon causes air (??) to flow through the nozzle generating shock waves. This generally happens when one is in major trouble. It is very hazardous....

The Speed Breaker - The velocity of the fart is greatly reduced due to various biological speed breakers and it comes out in bits and pieces !!! ~~> you think its done n whoooaa there comes more *pih*....*poh*....... *poo* .......(oh no not yet) ........*poooo* (THE END!!)

The Bubbly fart - This is definitely one of the most intriguiging of all farts! the sound it produces is enchanting beyond belief yet no one knows why it is so pleasing. The phonetics of this fart involves a bubbling sound at a very low frequency. This creates a rippling effect in your pants. For the non- fart lovers it might be a very disturbing experience to be in close proximity to a person letting out this beauty.....

Now that we've analyzed what we merely consider a small amount of gas, let me tell you that I'm not particularly this gross... I just find farts funny....


"Let the fartnership continue!!!!!!"

Monday, August 20, 2007

Blogging as a result of extreme boredom!!!

As I sit and listen to "Zombie" by the Cranberries, i feel much like one. The week has passed uneventfully and i took a time out from my busy schedule of sleep to sit and tell the world (or so i hope) about the fact that im extremely bored... What a useful post you may ask? But eh, whats a good post without a crappy introduction?!

I sit and ponder, rack my brains and try to figure ou what i should write about... I was thinking about my exam that i took this morning and i figured that I could expound on the fact that this was my first exam in college! It was surprising that there wasnt any traffic on the roads of chennai! The result : Went to college pretty early... Then i realized that I was one amongst the elite few "early birds" to college... Tensed about the exam, I go around asking everyone whether they've studied... They throw strange looks at me which say, "Oye! Arent you in college? Not studyin for an exam makes you a good college student!"

Finally, a few known faces, Francis and Sreeram walk up... Thankfully, they ask me if I've studied... At last, a few people who consider studying to be legal! We walk up to Bertram Hall where the exam was supposed to be held... Francis and Sree find their places easily... Im left searching for my place... the invigilator very lovingly forgot to mark my number on the benches!!! I took a seat at the very end of the hall and waited for my question script to arrive...
As I sat there, i remembered my board exams and the tension that preceded each and every exam.... "will i be able to answer all the questions?" "What if i dont finish in time?" "How much will i score?" "Will he score more than me?" These thoughts pass me by in fond memories of those long forgotten board exams... My paper arrives and i start writing... The answers turn out to be quite easy and I finish well before my time limit... I submit my paper and i walk out and realize that I looked at only one side of the question paper! The invigilator was kind enough to admit me inside and let me finish my paper and leave!

I walk out and meet Andrew who came in late... He, with his massive frame and a bit of excess fat came running into the exam hall just before the doors closed... I chose to keep my sarcasm to myself not because I was intimidated but because i had to hitch a ride back home with him!! He's a really nice guy so i guess he wouldn't have bothered if i'd said anything about him, but there is a chance that he MIGHT read this post... So im not taking any risks!

Now, the song's changed... And the smell of freshly fried appalams waft through my curtains.... Ah.... Hot food.... Heaven.... Until my next post, Peace!

Saturday, August 11, 2007

Harry Potter and The DORK Lord!

Most people are under the misapprehension that the Deathly Hallows was written as an end to the series.A line of thought brought about by the theory that if things don't have an ending they just keep going on and on and on and on and on and ..........well, you get the idea.

They are wrong.The purpose of the book is simple. JK Rowling loathes Harry and Dumbledore and has decided to spite them in the finale because it can now no longer affect her money inflow.Why do i say this?Lets look at what Harry does in the previous books.

First book : He saves the Philosopher's stone , single handedly fights off Lord Voldemort, and essentially the entire universe.

Second book : He battles against a 50 foot snake with magical killer eyes, and though he nearly dies, destroys a part of Voldemort's soul, preventing his return, and once again singlehandedly saving the universe.

Third book : He breaks an innocent person out of Hogwarts, battles a million soul sucking Dementors, and also goes back time to preserve the timeline, and hence the space time continuum without which the universe would collapse. So he basically saves the universe.

Fourth book : Doesn't save the universe this time, but he battles dragons, has underwater adventures, becomes one of the youngest Triwizard champions in history and fights the Dark Lord, and escapes making him look something of an ass, really.....

Fifth book : Strives through public humiliation, sets up and underground movement to overthrow an tyrranical ruler, fights off a dozen death eaters, and then kicks the Dark Lord out of his body, using his inner strenght. He then goes on to find out that the fate of the universe rests solely on his shoulders................not that we didn't know that already.

Sixth book : Takes on a bajillion mutant zombies, fights off death eaters, and hunts down Voldemort's right hand man, who he is unable to fight because he is shot in the back. He then decides to go on a mission to save the universe.

Now lets look at what he does in the seventh book.He plans the trip and the details involved.......wait a sec, that was Hermione.He destroys the Hufflepuff cup...........wait, Hermione too.He destroys the Slytherin locket........... no, Ron does THAT.He goes to the forest to Voldemort's secret lair.........and then drops dead.Ah ! But despite all of that , he gets into a brilliant battle against Voldemort and vanquishes him doesn't he? No! Voldemort's spell bounces back at him.It's the equivalent of bouncing a laser beam off a mirror.......doesn't take all that much brain power or skill idiot could do it.....which is pretty much what happened.Oh yea , and he also led a completely catastrophic mission into the Ministry of Magic, AND to Godric's Hollow AND to Lovegood's house. AND he acted like a complete retard sitting around in a forest eating fungi for six months.Not much of a hero when you think about it.Alright.

She does that, but atleast she leaves our thoughts and views on Dumbledore untarnished right? I mean there's no way she could make DUMBLEDORE look bad right?Oh wait a sec! D'OH!Allow me to ennumerate Rowling's process of "destroying Dumbledore."Alright! Lets see how i can bump off people's liking this barmy old codger. They keep going on about Harry this and Dumbledore that. But do they ever say anything about ME? No! Fine! Let me mess up their big grand heroes and I can have my time at last! I've got my paycheck already, not much those fans can do now! *evil villain laugh*

Alright Harry is easy, i just make him look like a retard. But what about Albus. I need to completely annihilate HIM. People think he's perfect right? I think i'll mess him up REAL bad! What's the worst i can do? First i need to mess up his family. Oh yeah, i'll make his entire family crazy. Crazy Dad. A KILLER! I like that, yes, that's a good one. Sadistic psycho moms always sell well. I think i'll make her a regular Martha Stewart. Yes, that'll do nicely. I've already made his brother loopy. That's good. But i think I'll make him an idiot as well in this one. But that's not enough...... I KNOW!I'll give him a sister only to make her a crazy psycho girl...............ROWLING YOU'RE A GENIUS!

Now for the man himself. Lets make him a ..........WORLD DOMINATION MAN! You can't get more evil than that. *eviler laugh* AND lets make him a Dark wizard, AND lets make him out to dominate muggles. After all, no one like a racist.But that's not enough. Yes! I have it. He kills his own sister. Perfect! >:)And there you go. The TRUE purpose of the seventh book. I hope that you will join me in my campaign to obliterate all copies and all memory of it now that you understand it's real purpose.