Thursday, March 27, 2008

This is the shit!


It has been long and I decided to make my come back by writing about one of my obsessions. Shit. Many people find shit repulsive, I wonder why. Anyway, given my liking for the above said shit, I decided to classify the types of shit (Yes, there are types.) much like my previous article on farts. So let the shit flow! =)

I'll get right down to it,


1) The Shart - This is a crossbreed of the Shit and the Fart. Causes problems in your underwear.

2) Ghost Shit - You know you've pooped. There's poop on the toilet paper, but no poop in the bowl. Magic.

3) Teflon Coated Shit - Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No traces of poop on the toilet paper. You have to look in the toilet bowl to be sure you did it.

4) Rabbit Droppings - When you finally get the turd moving it comes out extremely fast in small pellets that make your bum feel like a machine gun. On rare occasions these small pellets will come out uber slow and you will spend a good half hour getting just three pellets pushed out.

5) Hershey Squirts - slang for Diarrhea.

6) Second Thought Shit - You're all done wiping your butt and you're about to stand up when you realize it. Damn! you've got some more!

7) Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Shit - This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis and Catherine the Great. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard. (They say it killed Kurt Cobain too. I dont know.)

8) Bali Belly Shit - You poop so much you lose 5 kilos. Say goodbye to Weight loss programmes.

9) Right Now Shit (a.k.a. The Prairie Dog) - You'd better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down.

10) King Kong or Commode Choker Shit - This poop is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. Warning: This kind of poop usually happens at someone else's house.

11) Sopping Coin Crack Shit - This poop hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your Ass-a-drippen'!

12) Wishful Shit (a.k.a. A Figment of Your Imagination) - You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no poop!

13) Holiday Shit (a.k.a Relaxed Poop) - The kind of poop where you can take hours, without worrying about anything and think about all beautiful things in the world and relax your butt muscles.

14) Book Worm Shit - The kind of poop which takes a long time and you end up finishing a novel. Its a relative of Holiday Shit.

15) Cement Block Shit (a.k.a 'Oh God!' shit) - You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop.

16) Snake Shit - This poop is fairly soft and has the circumference of your thumb and is at least three feet long.

17) Cork Shit (a.k.a. The Floater) - Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. This poop usually happens at someone else's house.

18) Mexican Food Shit (also called Screamers) - You'll know it's alright to eat again when your butthole stops burning. Can also be called the Indian Food Shit. Use Water. Toilet paper catches fire easily.

19) The Frightened Turtle - The kind of poop that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in.

20) The Bungee Shit - The kind of poop that just hangs off your butt before it falls into the water.

21) The Ring of Fire Poop- The kind of poop where you eat really spicy food and your butthole feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter. Relative of the Mexican Food Shit. This type of poop has a complication. A phenomenon I call "Great Balls of Fire" happens when you have "The Ring of Fire Poop" and you wipe back to front.

22) Gone in 60 seconds Poop - The kind of poop that happens so fast you don't realize what happened and you wonder whether the poop in the toilet is yours.

23) The Fast & The Furious Poop - A very close relative of Gone in 60 seconds Poop but this time you realize what has happened because your butthole is burning and is overstretched.

24) The Crippler - The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.

25) The Shitty Shitty Bang Bang - The kind of poop that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.

26) The Incredible Hulk Poop - The king of poop that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously expands to twice it's normal size.

27) Jack the Ripper Poop - The kind of poop that yanks out your butthair as it pushes its way out.

28) The Party Pooper - The giant poop you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.

29) Dirty Bowl Poop- The kind of poop that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet bowl.

30) Smearing Poop- A turd that's just barely able to fit through the drain and leaves marks at the bottom of the bowl as it slides slowly down. (I bet you HATE this one!)

31) Dry Dump - A poop that is really hard to squeeze out because it's really dry. Drink plenty of water to avoid putting yourself through the pain of taking a dry dump.

32) Sausage Poop - Long, slightly squishy, and liable to float. Generally regarded as a cross between a smearing poop, a dry dump and the party pooper.

33) The Windy City Poop - When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need to take a poop.

34) Oh shit!! Poop - You poop so much and wipe your butt so furiously you run out of toilet paper.

35) The Never Ending Poop- It's the poop that keeps running out, and just when you start wiping your butt your stomach gargles and splash! more poop runs out. This always happens after eating at K.F.C.

36) Fire-hydrant - It's like a fire hose shooting brown, sometimes chunky water.

37) Cannonpoop - A combination of poop and fart. The poop lies on the end of the barrel blocking the way. Behind it is a giant fart wanting to come out. After a series of lurches (the pressure keeps building) you blast out the poop so hard it will blow the shit out of your toilet. Quite literally.

38) The Mothershit - A turd so big that it can barely fit in the toilet.

39) Havana Omelette - Brownish-Yellow diarrhea with some unprocessed food particles in it. Usually known to come out with a big splash. Once settled, this abomination floats on the top of the water resembling an omelette while it fries in the pan.

40) High Quality Shit - Doesn't stink.

41) The Whistlebomb - A fart preceding the shit. The shit and the butthole form a small opening for the fart to pass through and make the "whistling" sound, after the whistle, the poop pops out of your ass and splashes into the toilet bowl.

42) The Water Fairy - A piece of shit that drops perfectly into the water below causing the splash of water to shoot directly up your butt. Rather ticklish.

43) The Basketball Shot Shit - This is when you are so desparate for a shit that you begin to shit as soon as you drop your trousers, this inturn means you have to aim for the "hoop", you just want to make sure you don't hit the backboard or the rim.

I told you. Shit is an obsession for me. For those of you who have known me for long enough, you know this is normal. For the others, I just dont give a shit. I've run out the 'types' of shit. Contributions are welcome. If you can relate to ANY of these types of shit, you are most welcome to post a comment.. =)

This is the shit, nigga!!!!