Towelie.

Have you ever noticed that after you shower/bathe, you tend to wipe yourself in a set routine that you've followed ever since your mom stoped drying you?

You dry the hair, then the face with special attention to the nostrils and ears, on to the neck and so on. Try noticing how you do it. You will realize (you probably have but you never thought about writing a note about it!) that you follow the same pattern every time you bathe. Try changing the pattern and notice your body will resist and try to go back to the old one. If you do try to change your pattern and succeed, you'll probably end up feeling wet in some area or the other.

Why did I write this, you ask?

I ask myself, too.

I felt like writing but I couldn't find a note-worthy subject. Sometimes, life is just like this.

C'est la vie.

Macha!!! Namma Chennai da!!!!

As human beings, we always feel the need to identify ourselves with something or someone.. Something that makes us feel unique, loved, cared for.. Something that we like, something that reminds us of ourselves, something that is YOU.

For me, nothing can be as close to my heart as my city.. Chennai.. Madras.. Good old Madras!!! Screw the "madrasi" label you get whenever you visit those distant family members in the north! Chennai is home to me macha!!! And home sweet home it is.

I cannot find a place that is more diverse and accepting than Chennai. Period. The land of paradoxes! On the same 'theru' (street, for all you northie bums ;) ), you will find maamis laying pulli-vecha kolams and akkas wearing low-waist jeans with their tak-tak chappals, you will find the complete rock music fan and the best carnatic vocalist, you will find the local temple's pujari riding a black Pulsar, you will find Leo filter kaapi drinking atthans and teens that treat CCD as their second home, you will find well-oiled and parted hair and mohawks and you will find the heart of this city's existence, it's openness.

Yes, it is hot. Yes, we have mosquitoes the size of mammoths. Yes, there is garbage strewn on the streets and yes, we do have a huge-ass sewer running through most of the city!!! So what?! I'll tell you one thing, we Chennai-ites NEED that filth to live!!! Imagine living in Chennai and NOT being able to see a pile of garbage!!! That's absurd!! But, honestly, amidst all this chaos, madness, pollution and randomness, we Chennai-ites or Madrasis will find a solace that we will never find ANYWHERE else, I can vouch for that.

Although the traffic in the other cities is much more than here, there is so much orderly chaos in Chennai that I feel out of place when I travel anywhere else in the country! I need to have that grouchy bus conductor handing out the tickets and grumbling for change, those annoyingly obnoxious auto kaarars fleecing me of all the money I have, that two-wheeler guy zipping past and scaring the living shit out of me, the lorry drivers with their incessant honking, the wind blowing past my face in the share auto. I need this city's traffic!!!! Namma Chennai!!! Chanceless macha!!!

Wanna see the people from all walks to life gather at one place in Chennai? Welcome to the Beach. Beaches, rather. The Marina.. Second longest coastline in the world and the Besant Nagar beach. Contrasting and similar in their own ways. Contrasting because Bessie is more commercialized and The Marina is more laid-back but similar beacuse they are the home to thousands of people everyday.. Kids who are excited just to have the water wet their feet, joggers with their iPods plugged into their ears, guys trying to show off by shooting balloons with air rifles, people riding horses, sundal, bajji, cotton candy and kwality walls ice cream, random couples making out, people playing adapted versions of football, cricket and rugby, kite flyers, soothsayers, and a whole lot of other people.. Diversity da!!!

College is another completely different issue. Dirty pair of jeans, random shirt and bathroom chappals - Standard attire. Loyola College, aka Laila Callege. The amount of 'wannabe' people you will meet here is shocking. Multiple piercings, lurid tees, figure hugging shirts and jeans that could accommodate two people with "EMINEM" and "50 CENT" embroidered across their thighs. Chennai is definitely not the fashion capital but then I realized, if these people weren't there, who would we laugh at?! Sadly over-dressed chicks and amazingly retarded men who drool over them, pakka kollywood style ya! That reminds me, Kollywood!!!!

If you have never watched a Rajinikanth movie in your life, go kill yourself. The man is a legend! Even if it isn't for his acting, he is for his exaggeration! Chennai is the headquarters for the remake-industry. They don't make remakes of too many other movies.. They make remakes of their OWN movies!!! The story of a typical Tamil movie : Hero introduction-Heroine Introduction-Hero meets Heroine in, say, a train-They fall in love-Villain Introduction-Villain turns out to be Heroine's brother or father-Tries to stop them-Fails-Hero and Heroine live happily ever after. Throw in seven songs, 35 fight sequences and 3 comedy scenes and you have a movie!!! Our Captain Vijayakanth takes things to another level. Another level of comic relief, that is. Anngh!!! (Vijayakanth Style!) *Insert Punch Dialogue here* Overkill!

Food in Chennai can be a foodie's dream come true or his worst nightmare.. depends on where he eats. You name it, you got it! Chennai has everything right from pansy gourmet restaurants, flashy pubs, coffee bars, sheesha houses, classy disques and buffet dinners right down to tea-kada vadas, Kaiyendhi Bhavans, Faaast Food joints, Potti-kada dum and TASMAC bars! Food to fit any price range!! Anywhere you go, you will find "Chineese food", "Bombay or Calcuta Chaats", "Pitzas and Bugers" and "Cool Drinks". Honestly, if these people didn't exist, we'd die! They are the people that keep us Chennai-ites running! Despite all that garbage in our system, we will still wake up, day after day and continue living our Chennai lives!

Whatever you say, we will not change, we cannot change. We will live our sad lives in our sad city, but we will still be happy 'cause we are like that only ya.. So all you machas and machis, maamus and mapleys, yakkoes and thangachies, dudebhais and dudegals.. Chennai rocks!!!!! :D

P.S : No offence was meant to any other city. I'm trying to be diplomatic at 12.51 AM. Shit!

This is the shit!

Greetings.

It has been long and I decided to make my come back by writing about one of my obsessions. Shit. Many people find shit repulsive, I wonder why. Anyway, given my liking for the above said shit, I decided to classify the types of shit (Yes, there are types.) much like my previous article on farts. So let the shit flow! =)



I'll get right down to it,

Shit-cyclopedia:



1) The Shart - This is a crossbreed of the Shit and the Fart. Causes problems in your underwear.

2) Ghost Shit - You know you've pooped. There's poop on the toilet paper, but no poop in the bowl. Magic.

3) Teflon Coated Shit - Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No traces of poop on the toilet paper. You have to look in the toilet bowl to be sure you did it.

4) Rabbit Droppings - When you finally get the turd moving it comes out extremely fast in small pellets that make your bum feel like a machine gun. On rare occasions these small pellets will come out uber slow and you will spend a good half hour getting just three pellets pushed out.

5) Hershey Squirts - slang for Diarrhea.

6) Second Thought Shit - You're all done wiping your butt and you're about to stand up when you realize it. Damn! you've got some more!

7) Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Shit - This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis and Catherine the Great. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard. (They say it killed Kurt Cobain too. I dont know.)

8) Bali Belly Shit - You poop so much you lose 5 kilos. Say goodbye to Weight loss programmes.

9) Right Now Shit (a.k.a. The Prairie Dog) - You'd better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down.

10) King Kong or Commode Choker Shit - This poop is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. Warning: This kind of poop usually happens at someone else's house.

11) Sopping Coin Crack Shit - This poop hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your Ass-a-drippen'!

12) Wishful Shit (a.k.a. A Figment of Your Imagination) - You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no poop!

13) Holiday Shit (a.k.a Relaxed Poop) - The kind of poop where you can take hours, without worrying about anything and think about all beautiful things in the world and relax your butt muscles.

14) Book Worm Shit - The kind of poop which takes a long time and you end up finishing a novel. Its a relative of Holiday Shit.

15) Cement Block Shit (a.k.a 'Oh God!' shit) - You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop.

16) Snake Shit - This poop is fairly soft and has the circumference of your thumb and is at least three feet long.

17) Cork Shit (a.k.a. The Floater) - Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. This poop usually happens at someone else's house.

18) Mexican Food Shit (also called Screamers) - You'll know it's alright to eat again when your butthole stops burning. Can also be called the Indian Food Shit. Use Water. Toilet paper catches fire easily.

19) The Frightened Turtle - The kind of poop that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in.

20) The Bungee Shit - The kind of poop that just hangs off your butt before it falls into the water.

21) The Ring of Fire Poop- The kind of poop where you eat really spicy food and your butthole feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter. Relative of the Mexican Food Shit. This type of poop has a complication. A phenomenon I call "Great Balls of Fire" happens when you have "The Ring of Fire Poop" and you wipe back to front.

22) Gone in 60 seconds Poop - The kind of poop that happens so fast you don't realize what happened and you wonder whether the poop in the toilet is yours.

23) The Fast & The Furious Poop - A very close relative of Gone in 60 seconds Poop but this time you realize what has happened because your butthole is burning and is overstretched.

24) The Crippler - The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.

25) The Shitty Shitty Bang Bang - The kind of poop that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.

26) The Incredible Hulk Poop - The king of poop that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously expands to twice it's normal size.

27) Jack the Ripper Poop - The kind of poop that yanks out your butthair as it pushes its way out.

28) The Party Pooper - The giant poop you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.

29) Dirty Bowl Poop- The kind of poop that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet bowl.

30) Smearing Poop- A turd that's just barely able to fit through the drain and leaves marks at the bottom of the bowl as it slides slowly down. (I bet you HATE this one!)

31) Dry Dump - A poop that is really hard to squeeze out because it's really dry. Drink plenty of water to avoid putting yourself through the pain of taking a dry dump.

32) Sausage Poop - Long, slightly squishy, and liable to float. Generally regarded as a cross between a smearing poop, a dry dump and the party pooper.

33) The Windy City Poop - When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need to take a poop.

34) Oh shit!! Poop - You poop so much and wipe your butt so furiously you run out of toilet paper.

35) The Never Ending Poop- It's the poop that keeps running out, and just when you start wiping your butt your stomach gargles and splash! more poop runs out. This always happens after eating at K.F.C.

36) Fire-hydrant - It's like a fire hose shooting brown, sometimes chunky water.

37) Cannonpoop - A combination of poop and fart. The poop lies on the end of the barrel blocking the way. Behind it is a giant fart wanting to come out. After a series of lurches (the pressure keeps building) you blast out the poop so hard it will blow the shit out of your toilet. Quite literally.

38) The Mothershit - A turd so big that it can barely fit in the toilet.

39) Havana Omelette - Brownish-Yellow diarrhea with some unprocessed food particles in it. Usually known to come out with a big splash. Once settled, this abomination floats on the top of the water resembling an omelette while it fries in the pan.

40) High Quality Shit - Doesn't stink.

41) The Whistlebomb - A fart preceding the shit. The shit and the butthole form a small opening for the fart to pass through and make the "whistling" sound, after the whistle, the poop pops out of your ass and splashes into the toilet bowl.

42) The Water Fairy - A piece of shit that drops perfectly into the water below causing the splash of water to shoot directly up your butt. Rather ticklish.

43) The Basketball Shot Shit - This is when you are so desparate for a shit that you begin to shit as soon as you drop your trousers, this inturn means you have to aim for the "hoop", you just want to make sure you don't hit the backboard or the rim.

I told you. Shit is an obsession for me. For those of you who have known me for long enough, you know this is normal. For the others, I just dont give a shit. I've run out the 'types' of shit. Contributions are welcome. If you can relate to ANY of these types of shit, you are most welcome to post a comment.. =)

This is the shit, nigga!!!!

Nostalgia....

On the topmost step of the step ladder, the world seems small and the attic seems dustier than ever before... Dreading the amount of spider webs i was bound to endure, i made my way up into the loft and threw down the cardboard cartons that held the dust of years past... Mom was looking for a particular cookbook that conveniently happened to be in the last carton...

I jumped down from the ladder and found this box labelled "Ben's Stuff". Interested, I dragged the box inside my room and opened it up... On top was the shirt that I wore on the last day of school.. The pocket ripped off, as was the custom in my school, and the signatures of some thirty-odd classmates, still fresh on the shirt...

Then I found a deflated basketball which read "Congrats! You did it!" I still remember my coach signing my basketball when we won the District Championship....

I dug further down and found a huge file containing all the speeches I ever made when i was in school... All the welcome addresses, the vote-of-thanks speeches, the year reports, oratory competion papers, printed reports... Each piece of paper reminding me of the pre-speech apprehension....

Further down, i found the diary i maintained in 6th grade... Describing how tough the new subjects were... I flipped through the pages and found a peacock feather that a classmate had given me... A sly smile came across my face as i sent her an SMS asking her if she remembered the feather.. ;)

Deeper down, i came across this badge that said, "Asst. House Captain, Reds". I still remember Sister Veena pronouncing my name all wrong as I went up to collect the badge in front of the whole school and becoming the youngest Asst. Captain in the history of the school...

Another dig later I resurfaced with a small cloth patch that read "Shorin-Ryu, Shorin-Kan". Shouts of "Kiyak!" filled my ears as I remembered how we practised Karate with great fervour... Imagining ourselves to be Superheroes of some sort.. always ready to save the damsel-in-distress....

Another delve resulted in a big sneeze and a bag full of certificates that ranged from normal stuff like "General Proficiency - Std.V" to some stupid award like "Best Dressed Student in School - L.K.G"

Every little thing in that box reminded me of some part of my life, however insignificant it might have been... And then I realized, I might have forgotten all of this had I not looked at this stuff... So i decided to keep the box under my bed =) The other boxes, however, have to go back on the loft.. ;)

Memories might fade, Years may pass into oblivion, Records may become obsolete. But, this post is a small tribute to all the people who made my life worth living. I salute you all.

The Rain....

We stood at the entrace to college when the skies opened up..... Four of us stood and waited for it to stop so that we could go home... Suddenly, my cellphone rang.. A friend called and wanted to know if I wanted to ride back in the rain... A second later I found myself sprinting towards the bike park, already soaked to the core...

Then I realized that I had some stuff that I didnt want to get wet.. So, standing under an asbestos sheet, I rummaged in my bag and the best protection i could find happened to be a plastic CD sleeve.. I chucked my phone, my iPod and my watch inside it and put it at the bottom of my bag which was apparently water proof. My 'chauffeur' arrived on his Bullet and I hopped on.... Both of us were horibbly wet but still decided to ride in the rain. And we left...

The skies opened up even more sending down a torrent of water on us. I looked down and realized that half the bike was pretty much submerged in the water that had already flooded the roads, thanks to the poor drainage system. We cursed the corporation and continued as I watched the exhaust sputter and send out clouds of smoke along with puffs of water which ended up right in the eyes of the son of misfortune riding behind us. He screamed some not-so-nice words and moved out of the way.

It so happened that we kept getting stuck at EVERY signal we came across. Seeing this as a warning from above, we stopped for a glass of hot tea and samosas from an unusually over-crowded tea-shop. The old man was probably having the best business of his life that day. The rain seemed to be stopping, so we got onto the bike and trudged along but as luck would have it, it started as quickly as it had stopped, drenching us completely...

I somehow managed to move and get off the bike because I thought my limbs were frozen solid! I had to walk a while to reach home and as I was walking there was this cute girl who was walking towards me. She was equally drenched and I smiled at her out of impulse and she smiled back ;) Unfortunately, I'll never see her again. Such is life.

I continued and felt the rush of the wind under my outstretched arms and the pitter-patter of the raindrops against my face. I sprinted the last few meters and reached home, dishevelled and cold. Mom was waiting by the door going "Tch Tch... You got wet... Go dry your hair... You're going to catch a cold.." I walked into my room and my Grandma asked me "Did you get wet?" Irritated, I walked into the shower and turned on the hot tap.... Ten minutes later I got out, humming a melody in my head when Mom called me for lunch... I gladly agreed and watched gleefully as a plate of hot food was laid before me. As we were eating, my Mom asked me, "Where's your phone?"

A plate of flying food and an overturned chair later, I was at my bag turning it inside out and my Mom watched in horror as I removed the CD sleeve, bulged with water with my phone, iPod and watch floating in it. The phone felt funny and I realized that it was vibrating and emitting small amounts of . I tried drying the phone with a towel but it refused to work. The iPod and the watch worked, though. All my efforts to revive my V3i were in vain as i reached out to grab a hair dryer as a last resort... I thought I'd give it a shot and the lights on the phone blinked for a second. The next morning, however, was sunny and I thought my phone would probably work. It did.... And it still works.. ;)

From that day onward, I've always carried a lockable plastic pouch in my bag.. But it hasnt rained.. ;)

Sin

This one was written in college... English hours are pretty useful for this kinda stuff... =)

I sit in the corner, dark and cold
Unable to move my hands
I wait an eon to hear my fate
Fate, my life, it commands.

I realize my mistakes
Blinded by greed.
The waves consume me
To avenge every evil deed.

Cleansed of sin, my soul is clean
It shimmers like the morning sun
With renewed relentlessness
A new life has begun.

The sin haunts my body
And plagues every inch of it.
Indulgence got the better of me
And led me to the end of the bottomless pit.

The Soldier

This one was inspired by this book called "The Family" by Mario Puzo... Thanks to Deepak for lending me the book!!!

Anyway, here goes..

Inside me, a bubble breaks,
like a volcano it gushes through
Ecstasy is a heady feeling
seemingly false, yet undeniably true.

The battle stretches, long and dreary
Success comes at every venture
Jealousy and envy surround me,
waiting to swoop down like a vulture.

A rivalry brews, the plot thickens
the enemy conspires against me
Opportunistic, they wait to strike
But it is me that they aspire to be.

They grab every chance and ploy they can
to the eye of a soldier, everything's a battle.
I fight till the end comes haunting
I fight till the last of my bones rattle.